Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
