Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
