so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
