The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
