life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
