im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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