Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
