Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
