good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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