We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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