so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He called his prostate his "boner button".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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