Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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