I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
