First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
