I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the liver wants what the liver wants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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