i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
