he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
