you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
