You were right. It hurts to walk today.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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