I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
