Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize