bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
