but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
