At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
