Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
