totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
