I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
