I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
