I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
