I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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