god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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