i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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