yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
