I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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