if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
