ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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