Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize