i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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