literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
