u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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