I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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