3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
