Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
