i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
