you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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