I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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