onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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