dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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