Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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