And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
