there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Nicole vs. Life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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