A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
