Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
