every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
